


Shameless

by Pfain Ryder (Cat_Moon)



Series: Shame [1]
Category: Quantum Leap
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-27
Updated: 2019-06-27
Packaged: 2020-05-20 21:04:20
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,308
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19384636
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cat_Moon/pseuds/Pfain%20Ryder
Summary: Al is in Washington to secure the yearly PQL funding.  Their staunchest supporter, Diane McBride, has retired.  What will he be forced to do to save Sam and the Project?  What is he willing to sacrifice for Sam?





	Shameless

**Author's Note:**

> First story in the "Shameless" Universe. Written in 1992 and published in Quantum Fire. I struggled with the warnings on this story, and in the end decided to use: "choose not to use archive warnings". Some sensitive individuals may consider this to be non-con. I don't. There is no force involved, and they are consenting adults. You will have to decide for yourself.

_Well I'm shameless when it comes to loving you,_

_I'd do anything you want me to_

_I'd do anything at all..._

\--Shameless, Billy Joel

 

It was going to be one of those days. I already had a headache the size of a nuclear reactor meltdown, and it was barely six o'clock in the morning. I stumbled around the apartment, swallowing three aspirin with too-strong coffee and taking out the day's clothing.

I gazed at the white uniform in disgust. The last thing I wanted to do the way I was feeling already was to don the oppressive garment, but I had no choice. My flight to Washington left in less than two hours.

 It was that time of year again. Time to grovel and plead and beg for Sam's life. The pain in my head intensified as I thought of those nozzles in D.C. They didn't care about a brave, trapped man, giving his all for others--or the many people he was helping. All they cared about was dollars, and we were always spending too much for their liking. The fact that they lived king's lives and took expensive liberties at the taxpayers' expense was okay. But if I couldn't prove what we were doing was important in their scheme of things, they'd pull the plug, leaving Sam alone forever. Then take another vacation.

 Right now, it was only me who was alone. That's the way I wanted it to stay, I didn't want Sam to go through it. Back when we started the Project, when we were fighting side by side to keep it going, I never imagined a day like this. One where I'd be facing budget cuts, funding drops, equipment malfunctions, inter-project domestic problems and retrieval research, by myself.

 In the beginning, Donna was some help. It was her husband missing, and she fought like a tiger for his life. But there'd been a change in her ever since the time we simo-leaped and Sam came home briefly. These days she was listless and apathetic, barely coming out of the house to concern herself with what was going on at the Project. Beeks saw her regularly, but so far there'd been no improvement in her attitude. It seemed like she just didn't care anymore. I guess she was losing faith.

 I finished dressing, doing a last minute check to make sure I had everything packed in my overnight bag. Faith was something I'd never had much of, but now I clung to it tenaciously, like a talisman against the dark. It was all I had to combat the loneliness. The longer Sam was lost in time, the lonelier I got. And at least I was able to talk to him regularly--I could imaging how Donna felt. He didn't even know she existed.

 I was on my way to the airport when I realized I forgot to pack my high stress complex vitamins. I felt like a little kid caught doing something wrong, a response Beeks had conditioned in me. She was always on me about keeping my stress level as low as possible...which wasn't very low under all the circumstances. More often than not, the weight of the world did indeed rest on my shoulders, and there was nothing I could do about it. Verbena made no secret of her continued amazement that I was able to handle everything so smoothly, and only occasionally backsliding with a bottle. The reason was easy to figure out. Dealing with Sam normally was hard enough, dealing with him with a hangover...it turned out to be more trouble than it was worth to get drunk. I just couldn't afford to hide behind the booze these days.

 It wasn't a big surprise to me. After all, I had no choice. Sam needed me and I couldn't let him down. He'd relied on me back when no one in their right mind would have trusted me with the time of day. His belief in me put me on my feet again and gave me a reason to try. He thought he'd given me back my life, but only I knew the truth, especially on days like this. He gave me his life. I cherished it, more than I had my own. And I'd be damned if I'd let anything hurt him. Anything.

 Especially a bunch of cold-hearted bastards who could never know how important the Project was.

 How important Sam was...

 

* * *

 

The meeting held no surprises. After so many years, I knew the script by rote. They were careful, skeptical, and frigid. Stone faces asked questions that meant little to our situation, giving away only their hard noses. They let me do my groveling routine, then adjourned for the day to let me sweat out the night before the verdict.

 Well, one thing was different. Diane McBride had retired. As long as she was on the committee, I always breathed a little easier. She was firmly on our side. But I tried to be optimistic, her absence wasn't necessarily a bad development. Her replacement was Patrick Leeds. Not only was he ex-Navy, but I was his commanding officer for a year and a half. He'd been a good officer and seemed to hold me in great respect, although I hadn't been able to talk him out of resigning. I always regretted that. The Navy had lost a good man there.

 Now, he was one of the people to decide Sam's fate. With luck, his loyalty would extend to this.

 

* * *

 

I was leaving the building to go back to my hotel when someone called my name. I turned to see Leeds coming down the hall toward me.

 "Admiral," he extended his hand with a smile. "It's good to see you again."

 "You too, Patrick. How've you been?"

 "Can't complain. Listen, how about joining me for dinner?"

 "Are you sure that wouldn't be a conflict of interest or something? They might think I was trying to coerce you."

 "This is the government, we don't have any scruples. Besides, I've made my decision already. And you won't change my mind."

 I took him up on his offer. Truth be told, I didn't care if it wasn't exactly kosher and I wasn't sure I wouldn't try to sway him. For Sam, I had little scruples myself.

  

* * *

  

The dinner was pleasant, and some of the tension in me unwound. We talked about our days together in the Navy, and I told him more about Sam and the Project. I laid it on pretty thick, hoping for all the sympathy I could get. Shameless, but sincere.

 Afterwards, we retired back to my hotel room for a nightcap. He relaxed on the couch as I made the drinks.

 "You never told me why you left the Navy," I reminded him.

 "Personal problems," he answered vaguely.

 "You could have come to me, maybe we could have worked them out."

 "Trust me--this one couldn't be worked out. Besides," Patrick brightened. "I did better for myself by leaving."

 I didn't like what I heard. His tone was suddenly typical politician, power and money oriented.

 "That's not the Pat I used to know," I tried. "He was interested in more than just what he could get out of life. He wanted to give something back. I hope the political life hasn't corrupted you."

 "Did you ever notice that the more you give, the more you give?" Pat swept the room with his hand. "Do you accuse us of fringe benefits? You look like you're slumming here."

 I joined Pat on the couch and handed him his drink. "This has nothing to do with the Project, this is Navy provided."

 "There's a difference? Who pays for it in the end?"

 "Yes, but--" I stopped, realizing he had me there. Anything I said would only make my case worse.

 "I'm sorry, Al, but there is a difference. Do you know what it is? The military was formed to protect the country. At this point keeping your project going is serving only one purpose. To keep Sam Beckett in contact with his own time."

 My face involuntarily darkened, but I kept my tongue. I wasn't about to antagonize him when he was starting to give me inside information as to the minds of the committee. I could have used it yesterday, but maybe, somehow, it would still help.

 "Face it, we're not even talking about his life. It's not like shutting down PQL would kill him, he'd still be alive."

 "It may very well be his life," I disagreed. "He relies on the information we provide for him. Many times he's there to save the person he leaped into. If he wasn't warned in advance..."

 "Unfortunately, one life doesn't mean much to the committee. The needs of the many..."

 "What you mean is that the government doesn't want to pay for a project that isn't working properly, because it can't be used for their own warped devices."

 Pat waggled a finger at me. "Watch it, Al. You're starting to sound like a subversive. What ever happened to apple pie, the flag, and duty?"

 "And what happened to historical significance?" I shot back.

 "It's just not yielding the results they'd hoped it would be by now. You've had years to perfect things, they generally want results a lot faster. You were just lucky you had Diane up there. Every year it's more and more of a miracle that you get your funding."

 My stomach churned with nerves. "Are you saying we aren't going to get it this time?"

 "I'm saying they've heard your bullshit story over and over. They aren't buying it anymore. They know they're being snowed."

 A part of my mind couldn't believe this was happening, even though another part had known it was coming, sooner or later. "If this is what you've come to tell me, thanks for the advance sentencing, and the dinner. I'll see you tomorrow." My hopes sunk down like a rock in quicksand, leaving an empty aching hole inside. Could it really be that I wasn't going to come through for Sam this time? The thought was unbearable. Somehow, I had to get the money to keep the Project running.

 I guess my emotions were clearly written on my face. Pat put a hand on my shoulder in sympathy. "I didn't exactly say it was impossible to get the funding. In fact I know these people, what arguments to use on them. I can guarantee you get your funding."

 "Why do I feel like there's more?"

 He smiled. "Well, let's just agree to help each other."

 I was at once sickened and gladdened by Pat's corruption. It meant I could pull off the impossible yet again, get the funding enabling me to stay with Sam. I'd never been on the receiving end of this sort of a deal before, but I'd certainly been guilty of blackmail myself. Maybe this was my just desserts. "What do you want?"

 He laid his hand on my knee. "You."

 For a moment his meaning didn't register. Then when it did, my mouth hung open in shock. I couldn't possibly have interpreted him correctly... "W-what?"

 "Do I need to make it plainer?" The hand slid up to my crotch.

 I jumped up off the couch hastily. "I'm not gay." I noted through my growing panic that the tables were really turned on me.

 Pat rose too, picking up his jacket. "Nice to see you again, Al."

 He was leaving. And when he walked out that door, I'd lose Sam forever. "Wait--" He turned to me. "Don't do this, please..." I begged, throwing out any pride I had left.

 "I haven't done anything. I'll see you tomorrow. Sorry about the funding."

 It was like a nightmare. What he was proposing was...impossible, sick...but if I didn't go along with him, I'd never see Sam again. Never be there to keep him from getting himself killed. The picture of Sam's face when I told him good bye was more than I could stand. I'd been through it once--that was enough. At least that time there was still a chance of his changing history for them. This time was forever. And it was up to me to change things.

 What choice did I have?

 "Pat--"

 He stopped with his hand on the doorknob and turned with a questioning look.

 "Stay." I forced the word out from a mouth that was suddenly full of cotton.

 He took off his jacket again and came toward me, stopping less than a hair's length away. "I knew you'd see it my way." I watched as he casually began unbuttoning his shirt, pulling it out of his pants.

 "What happened to compassion for a fellow human being?" I asked, hoping to stall, maybe still find a way out of this. He abandoned his shirt and started on mine. I stood very still, trying to marshal my nerves for what lay ahead.

 "I guess I lost it when I was forced to quit the Navy. But at least I had some. You asked why I quit. It was so I could avoid having you destroy my life when you found out I was gay. Would you have had compassion for me, Admiral?"

 I realized I was in a bad spot. He blamed me for the position the Navy had on homosexuality. This was his revenge. "I would have done what I had to," I admitted. "I didn't make the rules."

 "But you believed in them."

 "I have to be honest, I don't know if I can--perform with another man."

 Pat grinned wickedly. "Is it a fate worse than Sam's death?"

 The damming part was that he was right. "I'm only human."

 "Exactly."

 He had me down to my briefs. He took my hand and led me into the other room. There, he proceeded to take off his own clothes as I stood in a kind of numbed immobility.

 "Let's get the ground rules...straight. What exactly am I agreeing to? I mean--I'll sleep with you, but no...sodomy."

 Pat let out a loud, exaggerated intake of breath at the word. "Ah, so your virginal ass is worth Sam's life. You're in luck, I've never been aggressively inclined."

 A feeling of unreality stole over me. I couldn't believe I was standing there talking about what I was talking about. I was about to...

 I shook myself to clear my head some. Maybe Pat was right, in a way. Hell, had I been the least bit reluctant when I arranged for Tina to sleep with Bartlett, so I could blackmail him with photographs? The only difference was it was me this time, and a man rather than a woman. I played as low as I could yet, trying to uncover as much dirt as I could find on anyone involved with securing funding, to insure the Project's continuance. Who was I to pass judgment? We all had our price. Mine was Sam Beckett.

 Price. What was it Maggie had said? She'd give up her soul for a Pulitzer. I've given up my soul for you already, Sam. Now...

 Not just my soul.

 My underwear was taken off, and we stood facing each other, both of us naked. He appraised my hungrily, but I couldn't bring myself to look at his body. I couldn't think about what I was about to do, I had to keep concentrating on Sam. Back there counting on me to get him through the leaps.

 The room was plunged into darkness as he turned off the light. "I'll make it as easy on you as I can," he promised. "You'll enjoy it."

 Before I had a chance to wonder what was coming next, a mouth engulfed my cock. In self defense, my mind shut off. I froze, while he eagerly sucked my dick and fondled my balls. I forced myself to relax. In the dark, it could be...anybody.

 It wasn't as difficult as I'd thought. The skillful mouth did its trick, soon I was moaning and thrusting into his throat. When he heard, he released me and pressed his body into mine. Feeling a man's erection against mine was a new experience, but to be honest, I couldn't say it was unpleasant. He was grinding our lower bodies together, and mine didn't seem to mind the stimulation.

"I've always wanted you," Pat whispered, then a tongue flicked at my nipples. "Your body gave me more than one good hard on in those days. But you never knew how much I...you were my commanding officer, my idol. I worshiped the ground you walked on."

 More of the puzzle filled in. He didn't just want revenge, he really wanted me. Actually, that made it easier to go through with. At least this coupling was spurred on by something other than spite. I had to do it, and I decided I may as well enjoy what I was doing. I'd never been one to balk at trying something new sexual, why should this be any different? Surprised at my own change in attitude, I took hold of his waist and pulled him into me.

 He moaned and pulled away with effort, flopping down on the bed on his stomach. "Now--fuck me."

 

* * *

 

I lay there in the darkness, a little stunned by the events of the night. Here I was, actually and finally in bed with the man I'd fantasized about for twenty years. Admiral Albert Calavicci himself. I was sated and very satisfied. Now I could stop wondering what it would be like, and he would realize he was guilty of the same perversion he so loathed to find lurking among those lily white uniforms.

 I patted the ass under the blanket. He shifted in his sleep, but didn't wake. "So, your virginal ass belongs to him," I whispered. "But he's not here. I am."

 They always say, those who protest the loudest... It was all too obvious for an outsider not to spot. His devotion to Sam Beckett bordered on the obsessed. Sometimes though, it takes one to know one. Those who chose to believe that male love is unnatural would assume he felt he owed Beckett his life, and it was a debt he took to heart. Including Al, no doubt. Well, if I'd had a father as overprotective and obsessed, I would have grown up...well, the way I am. But Beckett was happily married, not the type to be running around with other men. That was okay, Al had me now. And I knew how it felt to love someone who didn't know you existed. Maybe I could take away his pain, show him that someone could love him the way he deserved.

 Maybe, one day, he would come to me not because he was blackmailed into it, but because he would really be mine.

 

* * *

 

Pat kept his word, I got the funding. And I returned to New Mexico with the knowledge that I had something else. A male lover. Our arrangement was to be a simple one. Whenever he had a few days, vacations, whenever the mood struck him, he'd fly out to Alamogordo and spend a day or two. When I was in D.C., I was to visit him. In return, I would be assured of funding as long as he was a member of the committee.

 I buried myself in the hectic pace of the Project and tried not to think of the price of my actions. The only thing that mattered was Sam would have me to take care of him indefinitely. Long as I helped keep our liaison under wraps and kept Pat happy.

 And if I could pull it off, it was definitely worth it.

 

 

**the end**

8/3/92

 

 

 


End file.
